Today is the day of our first weigh in and I’m not afraid to admit that I am a little bit nervous. I’m nervous because I have allowed the LED number between my feet to define how I feel about myself for far too long.
Having a testicle-free house for the weekend, I reveled in my chance to watch ovary-tastic television all night! Last night I watched a movie called “The Duff.” Yeah, it’s kind of a teeny-bopper movie, but it was funny. Way funnier than I thought it would be. It was also kind of sad, though.
The part in the movie when the main character begins to believe that she is the “Designated Ugly Fat Friend,” was oddly hard to watch. Probably because it hit home. I’ve always felt like a bit of a beast around a lot of my friends. I never once thought anything less of them or was jealous of their metabolisms. But, I have certainly thought less of myself.
I would attempt to console myself by saying that “at least I have a good personality,” or that “it’s a good thing I’m funny, because what else could I offer.” In fact, sometimes I think I developed a good sense of humor as a defense mechanism.
I thought that if I could beat a would-be bully to the punch, then it wouldn’t hurt as much to be judged by others. What I didn’t realize was that by doing that, it no longer mattered what others thought of me, bad or good. I had already passed judgment on myself and dubbed myself unworthy. It turns out that the self-loathing that grew out of my self-deprecating humor, ended up being far more damaging than anyone else’s unkind thoughts could have been.
So this morning, I will weigh in. But, this time… I will be doing something I’ve never done before.
- I will record the number, but I will not use as an excuse to hate myself.
- I will not make a joke about it.
- I will not compare it to others.
- I will not focus on the distance between where I am and where I want to be.
I will just write it down and go about my day,
The only power the scale will have on me today is the ability to tell me where I am starting from. It can’t define me beyond that. And for the first time ever, I refuse to let it.